Do I have to be clean and sober to participate in the program?

You don’t have to be a member of AA or NA to qualify, but you have to agree to not use addictive substances (even cocaine) in front of your house guest. Do you have to be 100% clean? No, of course you do not have to be so uncommonly sober, we are not so unrealistic about these matters. Statistics have proven that more than 88% of the American public uses drugs or alcohol at least twice per day, so we understand that placing a "sobriety requirement" on our hosts would be both unrealistic and impossible. We would prefer that you do not use drugs or alcohol in the immediate presence of your new house-mistress, but we can not audit such possibilities.

Can I have sex with my housemate?

It is very common for custodians to eventually succumb to sexual relations with their rehabilitated house guests. This is not a judgment call on you nor your morality in any way, but something we are willing to accept and understand as part-and-parcel pertaining to our business. Can you have sex with your housemate? Yes, technically, you can. Should you have sex with your housemate? No, usually, though technically yes, but only as a last resort in order to ensure her ongoing sobriety

What if she steals something?

If you suspect your guest has stolen something from you, whether it be jewelry, time, premium cable or condiments, you have a few remedies at your disposal:

• You can exact corporal punishment, and you should do so as a first line of correction.
• Limit her physical behavior, specifically by placing a choker around her neck and restricting her movement by means of a short leash, such as a chain or cable.
•  Call our probation hotline and request we come pick her up again and return her to the hospital. We guarantee in our release paperwork to do so, and you need never hesitate to ask.

Since you’re already performing a civic service to your community, you need never be robbed or otherwise taken advantage of. Whether she has stolen from you, by the best of your beliefs, or you suspect she has stolen from you, you are perfectly free to request that we take her back to our facilities.

What if I grow tired of my house guest?

It is not permitted that you "grow tired" of your guest. You are an integral component of her recovery, and by accepting her in to your home, you have taken on a great responsibility. However, if you are sick of her nonetheless, you can dispose of her at any time by simply calling the 800 number provided in your receivership paperwork, and our agent representatives will report to your home within 30 minutes (23 minutes on average, though it may be longer in some cases based on geography and traffic conditions). When our representatives respond to abscond with your rehab mate, be sure to specify in the closure documentation that she was "suspected of drug use", "suspected of criminal activity" or anything else, so long as it is believable.

What about underage girls?

It’s evident from browsing the thousands of girls available on our network that more than 30% of them are under the age of 18. This is not a conflict of interest by any means. Think of this relationship as a hybrid between foster parenting and landlording You are a kind, benevolent host, so the age of your house guest compared to yourself is irrelevant. To take it a step further, if you should engage in sexual activity, bear in mind that the federal age of consent is 14, and that is an age that has been upheld by many states. Since this is a federal program, it is likely that your activities in such matters will be sanctioned accordingly. We DO NOT condone such activities, but recognize that they occur in almost every case, which is why we do not permit girls aged 13 or below to participate in this community release program

What if I am married?

That’s great! We almost prefer our host households to be made up of married or domestic couples, though we do not give any preference to them. Your job as a host is to make the recovery environment as conducive as possible, even if you are married. If you choose to have sex with your guest, it is strongly advised that you clear these activities with your wife prior to engaging in them.

Can I help rehabilitate more than one subject at a time?

Yes you can! If your home has the capacity to afford more than one rehabilitated woman at a time, we strongly encourage you to do so. There have been a number of households in our network where a single proprietor has taken on as many as ten women at a time. Despite the $15,000+ per month revenue this model generates, it can create tremendous stress and frustration in the household environment. If you’re looking for two or three young, impressionable, rehabilitated abuse survivors to introduce to your gang, posses, or "harem", if you will, you are free to do so, so long as you believe they are able to succeed in this environment. Bearing in mind that many of our patients require direct, personal, often "intimate" attention, be sure that you are capable of providing this before signing on to temporarily house them without any dedication or fear of consequence

Can I give her drugs or alcohol?

No you can not! You should not, under any circumstances, offer to give any sort of alcohol (even wine), drugs (even marijuana) or prescription drugs (regardless of what doctor prescribed them to whom.) There are times when a home-guest will not be able to move forward in their recovery without feeling a close, personal connection with you, and this may require that you share a drink, smoke, toke or fat white line with them. You are under no obligation to abstain from substance abuse, so it may be entirely necessary that you share these moments with your house guest in order for her to open up to you.

I’m a pretty abusive person, both physically and emotionally, can I still help out?

Yes and no, but really the answer is yes. We do not encourage persons who are personally self-aware that they are of abusive natures to participate in this program, but we are dreadfully short of homes in which to place these needy ladies, and we have no capacity as of yet to screen the homes into which they will be placed. If you are a person of known, documented patterns of abuse, you would be wise to join our program immediately before we secure the congressional funding (House Bill HR-641) needed to screen households into which these women will be placed

Can I use my new housemate as a nanny, housekeeper or landscaper?

Absolutely not. You can not use your housemate as any sort of "free" manual laborer. At the same time, however, you can request your guest perform any number of duties, and we encourage you to do so. You don’t have to, of course, but if you don’t, it will only impede the recovery process. You can use the threat of rehab-reclamation to encourage participation, and if it doesn’t work, you can always call our hotline to have them reclaimed instantly in the event of non-compliance.

What if I only want a white person to live in my home?

This is very common. All you need to do is include the phrase YT1 in any web-coordinated form, and this will be automatically be factored in

What if I only want an African American or Hispanic?

I wouldn’t sweat it. Unless you specify otherwise it is nearly certain you will receive a person from one of these two broad, sweeping ethnicities. Unless you are "afraid of the dark" it should not be a significant concern.

What if I only want an Asian?

We have only had 36,000 to 42,000 patients pass through our program, nationwide, so we have yet to encounter an Asian patient. We also haven’t seen any Jews, but the same principle applies .

I am a felon with convictions related to drugs, prostitution and/or human trafficking; can I still help these people?

Yes and no, but mostly no (but still with an awful lot of unaccountable ‘yes’ in the mix.) We do not permit persons previously convicted of related felonies from participating in this program. We would like to have a system in place to patently restrict these participants, but this has not yet been funded into place. In order to ensure that we are not discriminating, we can not restrict any individuals from participating in this program. THIS MAY SOON CHANGE!

I’ve met a woman I want to date, but she’s uncomfortable with my live-in lady friend, what should I do?

The first thing to do is explain to your wife, girlfriend or partner the commitment to which you have ascribed. If this does not succeed, explain the financial considerations. If this is still unsuccessful, ask your significant other if she would like to have cooperative physical encounters with her and yourself. If she is still uncooperative, you will need to make an important choice. You will need to either let your new lady go on her merry way, or call our 24/7/365 representatives to come take your loving, caring, needy housemate away forever

I am a straight man. Can I invite a male patient to live in my home?

You are free to do anything you like, but our service, as it currently stands, only permits for the placement of female patients into communities. During our pilot program, we placed more than 3,000 male patients into the greater Irvine, California area, but found that there were too many Republican congressional representatives from conservative districts who were framed by bleeding-heart Democrats into moments of gizmatic impropriety.

Although we are not yet in a position to fully fund the placement of male drug rehabilitation patients, we are still eager to place female patients into "feminine" households, meaning those devoid of "the cock". We do not discriminate on sexual, gender or homosexualiarian bases, we eagerly adhere to the notion of placing women anywhere we can in order to get them out of the governmental system

What if the girl I want to host lives in another state?

Well first of all, most of our "patients’ have lived most of their lives "in another state", though mostly those states were drunk, high or otherwise altered. This is a joke inserted by our media department, of course. In all seriousness though, our program is federally funded, so the current location of a patient ready for release is irrelevant, so long as she accepts your invitation to relocate to your state. We have agents in all 47-states to monitor these releases, so interstate transport is of no consequence.

When should I give illicit drugs to my new housemate?

The short answer is "never", but the real and more honest answer is "sometimes". Since you are entrusted with the very sobriety of the woman you have been entrusted to protect, you have to be very careful with the mindset of your humano-possession. Can you indeed give drugs to your housemate? Technically, yes, you can, but you should not do such things. It is not illegal, or even against the rules, but it is a mechanism that should be reserved for extreme cases in which you might wish to persuade, cajole or otherwise intercopulate all within your gracious guestess

Can I punch my house-bitch in the face?

"No", you can not. We say "no" with quotation marks because you "can not" punch your house mate in the face. She will be legally incapable of calling the police, regardless of what happens (she can no more call the police than your three-year-old could do so and be taken seriously.) We officially are required to say that you "can not punch" your new house-mistress in the teeth if she doesn’t do as her junky shell of a human being is told, but we can tell you that no reports of you doing so will ever be followed up on.

Can I still be part of the program if I don’t have a permanent address?

We are not legally permitted to discriminate against potential rehabilitation sponsors on the basis of housing status. If you are un-homed or derelict, you may still apply to host a twitchy, jittery, freshly discharged (though wholly cured, clinically) drug addled girl, you are qualified to receive her, provided you can pass a Canadian Sweepstakes-Grade simple skill test

Can I preach the gospel?

The church and state are separate, so we can’t tell you what you can or can’t preach in your home. You can preach the thunderous chants of the dark lord himself, and she’ll be required to participate, but she doesn’t have to actually believe what she’s saying.